I Corinthians 13
For the first time in my life that I can remember, I’ve given up on love. Just absolutely positively don’t believe in it.
I woke up today just after 6 am feeling fantastic. The sun was shining, I felt good energy and was looking forward to productive day. Then something happened. I read a chapter of II Corinthians then flipped to my all-time favorite, I Corinthians 13. I love that chapter because it tells me everything that love isn’t, is and how grand it really can be which encourages me to keep believing. Not today.
Things started to go downhill when I could hardly remember the chapter. This was a chapter that has warmed my heart for years yet most of the words eluded me. Then, very unexpectedly, I started thinking about my past relationships. Most of those men I could have lived without but I went against my spirit, allowing my mind and treacherous heart to dictate. Obviously, those relationships ran amuck.
The thing is, though I look amazing, internally, I’m terrible. I feel like the fat 8th grade kid with knee-length shorts that roll up when I walk. Now I’m in a gym class getting ready to play dodge ball and the team captains have been chosen. I’m hoping and praying that I won’t get picked last. It’s down to me and another kid – the one that wears glasses and has one leg shorter than the other. “Please pick me,” I silently pray. I don’t want to be last but my name isn’t even called. The short leg kid is called to a team and I, fat kid walked over sullenly to a team that doesn’t want me.
Who is that team? Love. Team love. Team love doesn’t want me. It doesn’t matter how much I pour into it, into him, it doesn’t seem to be reciprocated. I try to work with brothers, find the potential in them but that leaves me with the short end of the stick. Laying on my back this morning, hot, silent tears streamed over my cheeks to eventually become a damp-puddle like mess on my pillow. I’m not depressed nor am I PMS-ing; I’m just sad. What’s even worse is that I have a presentation in an hour and I’m still tearing up. Thank goodness for glasses and the fact that I recently had the flu which will account for my slightly puffy eyes and sniffling. URGH! Heartache is so real!
I meet men. Lots of them. They’re great on paper, everything I could want. Mr. Master’s Degree, Ivy-league grad, lawyer, doctor, Wall Street exec. You name it, they’re hollering (yes, present tense). But guess what, all that good on paper means nothing to me. I don’t care if you graduated from Yale or Harvard. If you’re a good, blue-collar man that graduated from a trade school and you make me happy, that’s good enough. And honestly, I don’t even care about your educational background as long as you contribute to my happiness. I have three degrees. That’s enough for both of us. Furthermore, none of my degrees are making me any money now.
So folks, Betsy is having a horrible day. Love makes me sad today. I’m tired of being chosen last or somewhere in the middle. Why is your work more important than me? Why are other people more important than me? Why are material possessions more important than me? You should love me enough to forsake all others.
When I had the flu, where were these dudes? Nowhere but truthfully, I didn’t call them because laying in my bed with an almost 103˚ fever, I realized they didn’t mean much to me either. (One did encourage me to feel better soon so we could go to dinner. Like I was intentionally slowing up my healing.)
There was one guy I thought about. An ex, which is perhaps part of the reason I’m all broken-up. I still f*cking love him. My heart and body loves this man even though my mind and spirit know he’s not right. He’s never going to just fight for me. Just drop everything in the world to meet me at work because I’m having a terrible day or pick up the kids from school because I have a migraine or call out sick with me to watch movies in bed all day. He’s not going to do that and it sucks. My spirit is yelling at my heart to let go of him and sometimes my spirit wins. Today, my spirit loss. Got knocked in the head with the damn dodge ball!!
On better day, I want MY team captain to want me on his team. I want him to hope and pray that he wins the coin toss so he can choose me first. And only me.
A departure from my usual musing but maybe I’ll feel better later to right something funny.
Lata Lovelies,
-B
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5 comments:
Ahh I feel you on this one. Having been single for 28 years of my life, I certainly know how it feels to be the fat kid picked last. I've been waiting to be picked for a really long time and during that time I've encountered many potential team captains who seemed to make me happy until they didn't. (Sometimes it's about them and sometimes it's about me.) But what I didn't realize at the time I was playing their sport was that they weren't for me. I have days when I am wistful about said potential team captains. One in particular from college. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't patient enough and that maybe I should have waited for him until a friend I shared this with was like, "Be patient and wait while having to deal with foolishness?!" And she was right. Had I waited, I might not be where I am in today which is in a better place fully owning who I am and whose I am, God's. He knows the plans He has for us. Those plans don't include accepting anything less than his best. There's a scripture I love to refer to in times like this, it's in Proverbs I believe. The blessing of the Lord make one rich and add no sorrow. Seeing it through that lens makes me realize my heartache over that young man and your heartache over yours may not be coming from God but is simply our flesh yearning for something, anything. It's easier said than done and days like the one you had will come--and go, but we have to remember to just wait on Him. God's got someone incredible for us. A man who is exceedingly, abundantly over all we could ever ask, think or imagine. So I pray that your day will get exponentially better as you see yourself in the future.
I Don't Mind Waiting
http://theloudprotestant.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/i-dont-mind-waiting/
shyt is real.
Betsy I can relate to everything you've said. I'll share with you what I tell meyself... like Jesse Jackson says, "KEEP HOPE ALIVE MY SISTER!"
I'm a silent lurker.
First comment.
Betsy, this post made me sad. Very sad.
As Sharrina said, keep hope alive! I know it sounds cliche, but...a positive attitude is worth its weight in gold.
I truly believe impossible is nothing and that if you just focus on you, do your thing, gym it up and look great, you will find the right man. Perhaps it won't be when you think you 'should' find him, but thumb through that Bible and believe that GOD has a plan for you, answers prayer, and will bring you exactly what you need exactly when you need it (even when you're cursing under your breathe).
Put a period to that ex. Perhaps I'm a weirdo, but even though I've loved loved LOVED men before and cried big girl tears over them, NOTHING will keep me yearning for a man who said no to THIS. I'm too fly. He must be stupid, crazy, dumb or all three. Even if he comes back, don't take him...he did it once, he'll do it again. He f*cked up...next!!!
You can have everything you want in life, if you fiercely believe and give it to GOD. Perhaps I'm drowning in youthful naivety, but I think people who don't get what they want are scared or don't really believe they can have it all and settle for mediocrity (this is with men and life).
SO. Dry those tears. Keep it tight, keep your figure right. Keep your hair fixed and dressed in the hottest outfits (yes, I'm quoting Destiny's Child). Be the best Betsy you can be, read your Bible and pray, and know that GOD will take care of the rest.
awwwww Betsy ***Big Hugs*** I can so relate to what you said. I hope someone comes up with an answer for how to get beautiful, powerful women in relationships. Where are the "Ones"???
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